Given the insane eagerness with which the U.S. government gets embroiled in ruinous land wars in Asia, I’ve decided that I support the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. If the Army is kicking out gay soldiers, that will make the Army weaker, and a weak U.S. military is clearly a good thing — the weaker, the better!
The rationale of the policy is that having gay soldiers will weaken a unit’s combat readiness. I’m not sure why anybody thinks this. Maybe they’re worried that a gay soldier will respond to an enemy mortar attack by baking muffins or putting up new drapes in the barracks. The reality, of course, is that when the Army starts kicking out specialists of all kinds, from translators to computer technicians, the Army’s ability to run its operations is damaged.
In the interest of limiting the ability of the U.S. to invade other countries, I don’t think the policy goes nearly far enough. I feel the Army should start discharging soldiers who are too intelligent. They ask far too many inconvenient questions, especially about policy. And obviously we can’t have any atheists in the Army — an atheist will turn his fellow soldiers into cowards by pointing out that when you’re dead, you’re dead. Muslims, I don’t even need to explain that. Kick ’em all out.
And what about Hispanics and Filipinos? Their accents make them hard to understand, and in a dangerous combat situation, that could be fatal! Imagine talking on the radio with a Hispanic soldier, and having to say, “What? What? Speak more slowly!” while under small arms fire from insurgents.
If we work it right, we should be able to pare down the U.S. military by about 90%. We’ll end up with a lean, mean fighting force that will be too weak to invade any other countries — and that’s exactly what we need.