The Gods

Here’s a tip. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: If you’re writing fantasy, or really any type of plotted fiction, do not — repeat, do not — include a god or gods in your story. Gods and plot do not mix.

Why, you may ask. Isn’t a god a fantasy creature par excellence? Well, yes. The problem is, gods are too darn powerful. The mainspring of plot is that the lead character (who we’ll assume is human, or something vaguely humanish) has a serious problem. The actions that the lead character takes to solve the problem form the plot. But a god can solve your hero’s problem with the wave of his, her, or its little finger. No more problem! No more plot! And thus, no more novel. Your novel lies on the floor, twitching faintly. It’s pushin’ up daisies. It’s joined the Choir Invisible. It is no more.

Real theologians and real worshipers have this same difficulty, of course. Why does “God” allow suffering, when he/she/it could prevent it? One popular answer is that suffering is instructive. Another popular answer is that because we have free will (supposedly), we’re creating our own suffering. I could go into detail about the weaknesses in those really bizarre and pathetic theories, but this is not the time or place for it. If you want to put both a god and a theological justification of that sort into your book, you’re welcome to do so — but at that point you’ll be writing a religious tract, not a plotted novel, and it’s likely to be boring. It will bore me, for sure.

Anyway, the supposedly real “God” in our real world never does anything at all. Actions: zero. If you put a god into your novel as a source of some action or other, the god is just another character, however vast or dimly visible. A character who is powerful enough to solve your Big Plot Problem, but who lets your lead character suffer instead, is basically a Bad Guy. That’s an evil character. For a human to triumph over an evil god — that’s a viable plot, I’m sure, but given a god’s enormous powers, it’s not a plot whose details I would be keen to try to work out.

You could also write about the conflict between good gods and evil gods; that would certainly be a viable plot, but it wouldn’t be about human beings. The humans in the story would just be pawns. Most human readers want the human characters to be the movers and shakers, so that may not work too well as a plot. You’re welcome to try it, of course.

Fantasy literature is generally about a world that inherently has some sort of moral order. (Our real world doesn’t.) The elements of fantasy, be they unicorns or vampires, tend to be either good or evil, unless you’re Terry Pratchett, of course, in which case they’re just good fun. But it’s best, I think, to let the moral order be inanimate, implied, or exhibited by ordinary, limited beings. A god will only get you in deep shit.


Make Up Your Mind, Please

Just a quick kvetch today, a follow-up to yesterday’s post about how you have to trust your own vision for a story and not just follow an editor’s suggestions blindly. As already noted, the editor who is working on my novel series is giving me a lot of very useful feedback. But once in a while I find myself twitching, running in circles, or tearing out the few hairs that remain on my old gray head.

On page 139 she says, “Be careful of giving away the plot in dialogue.” In this scene a character is advancing an idea about something that’s going to happen a few chapters later, and yes, the editor is absolutely right. I slashed those sentences, so as to have the eventual unfolding of events be more surprising.

Then on page 144, still in the same chapter, my heroine is sending a telegram (yes, this is a fantasy epic with telegrams) in order to learn something important. She declines to explain to her companion what the telegram is about. And here the editor says, “This scene is laying groundwork for future plot events, but it’s not feeling immediately relevant or like it’s advancing the story.”

Would you like to have your cake and eat it too? Gee, that would be swell. If my heroine explains to her companion what the telegram is about, I’ll be giving away the plot in dialogue. Aarrggh!

Of Mice and Editors

Orson Scott Card suggests that a novel will have one of four things as its primary focus — milieu, ideas, characters, or events (M.I.C.E.). Naturally, all novels will mix all four in some way, but one or another will predominate. In a hard-boiled mystery, for instance, what’s important are the events. The ideas are likely to be pedestrian and the characters developed only as far as needed to carry the plot forward. In a literary novel, what’s important is likely to be the characters. Lord of the Rings, Card suggests, is mainly about its milieu — Middle Earth. Yes, there are characters, and yes, there are events, but there’s a reason (Card points out) why Frodo has only one elf and one dwarf in his crew: They aren’t real characters, they’re just types.

But enough about Tolkien. As I work my way through the dozens upon dozens of comments my editor has made in my manuscript, I find that, again and again, she wants to know more about the interior feelings of the main characters. That is, she would prefer to be reading a novel of character. What I’ve written is, I think, more a novel of events. Here and there I’m finding it useful or appropriate to go in and clarify my character’s feelings — but there are also passages that aren’t about feelings; they’re about events. Having a character say, “Oh, no!” may be all that’s needed.

So I have to work out how (if at all) to take into consideration notes like these (all of them from one page in the manuscript file):


I did, in the end, clarify or amplify the feelings in that scene a little bit, though probably not to the extent that my editor envisioned. Brian Eno once said something to the effect that if you don’t know what you’re trying to achieve in a work of art (in his case, music), comments and criticisms from others will only confuse you. So maybe I shouldn’t be confused by this kind of input. But then, I’m not Brian Eno.

Some of my editor’s comments have proven immensely useful. Whole scenes have been reorganized, or created from scratch. Other times, not so much. Right now I’m looking at Chapter 5 in Book 3. In my draft, the chapter opens with my lead character, Kyura, looking at a house and preparing to knock on the door. She and her friends have, after many travels, finally arrived at her destination. After a couple of brief paragraphs and before she actually knocks on the door, the chapter rolls back to tell, in 825 words, about the final stage of the travel that led them across the valley to this house.

The editor’s comment here was, “Don’t jump back and forth with the narration. There’s no point in opening here if we’re going to jump back and go through all the things we were going to go through anyway. Tell the story linearly and open the story with the funeral [one of the events in those 825 words] to emphasize Kura’s guilt and her profound anxiety….”

While superficially sensible, this comment is just plain wrong. Starting a chapter with an important moment and then backing up to show, quickly, a few days of events (yes, events) that preceded the important moment is a technique I picked up from Rex Stout. His narrator in the Nero Wolfe mysteries quite often does this. What it does is present the beginning of something the reader will care about in order to whet the reader’s appetite and then create suspense by forcing the reader to wait (not too long) to find out what happens next. The events in my 825-word flashback, while they can’t be skipped, are not as important as the moment when Kyura arrives at that house.

Strange as it may seem, I do actually have some idea what I’m doing.

Sing Us a Song, You’re the Grammar Man

Tonight I’m stalking the wily sentence. As a writer of nonfiction I’m quite proficient, but I’d like to learn more about the luminous prose styles the great novelists use. How do they do that? Not that I’ll ever be a great novelist, but I can surely become a better one.

Now and then I get mailers from the Great Courses. I’ve always resisted buying the series of DVDs called Building Great Sentences — this was before I decided I need to know more about prose style — but as it happens, the series has been turned by its author, Brooks Landon, into a nice paperback book. Which I have now bought.

Landon plunges in boldly, but he soon gets in over his head. He approves of long sentences, and I approve of his approval. But early on — on page 4, in fact — he founders while trying to dissect this sentence of Gertrude Stein’s: “Why should a sequence of words be anything but a pleasure?”

Landon offers eight different paraphrases of this, such as, “Why should a sequence of words not be a pleasure?”, “A sequence of words should always be a pleasure,” and “We should always find pleasure in a sequence of words.” But he misses the kernel of Stein’s meaning. If you’ve read any of Stein’s writing, you’ll know that quite often her sequences of words are, as to their meaning, impenetrable. Opening her book How to Write at random, I come upon this sequence of words: “Custom a custom do accustom they come accompanied they will venture to arrive with a variety of circumstances that they can have come to be to them as if which they can prepare to be alike.”

Given this — and it’s a fine example of Stein’s “difficult” style — it seems clear to me that we have to read the sentence Landon quotes, first, by lopping off the last three words. Stein is saying, to begin with, “Why should a sequence of words be anything?” As we finish reading the sentence, adding the rest of her thought, we can see that a better paraphrase would be, “A sequence of words need only give pleasure. That is its primary function.” Its meaning, Stein implies, is of secondary importance, if indeed it conveys any meaning at all.

To have teased out this meaning would rather have undercut Landon’s agenda. But I don’t want to get distracted by talking about Gertrude Stein. We have bigger fish to fry.

Landon notes that there are three ways to construct long sentences. (Actually, there are four; he misses one.) We can add coordinate elements using “and” or other connective words; we can add subordinate clauses; or we can add modifiers (adjectives, adverbs, prepositional phrases, and so on). The one he misses, in case you’re wondering, is that we can make a long sentence by breaking it off in the middle and interject a new element without stopping.

He gives as an example of a long sentence, an example of which he seems proud — proud enough at least to put it in the book — this horrifying mess: “Cumulative sentences that start with a brief base clause and then start picking up new information, much as a snowball gets larger as it rolls downhill, fascinate me with their ability to add information that actually makes the sentence easier to read and more satisfying because it starts answering questions as quickly as an inquisitive reader might think of them, using each modifying phrase to clarify what has gone before, and to reduce the need for subsequent explanatory sentences, flying in the face of the received idea that cutting words rather than adding them is the most effective way to improve writing, reminding us that while in some cases, less is indeed more, in many cases, more is more, and more is what our writing needs.”

He then says, “I would argue that neither [this sentence nor the one before it] is hard to follow….” But of course he’s quite wrong. Why is this sentence hard to follow? If you look closely, you’ll see that it contains three infinitives: “to add,” “to read,” and “to reduce.” The difficulty is that the first and third are parallel in structure within the sentence: “…with their ability to add information … and to reduce the need….” However, “to read” is in a subordinate position (modifying “easier”). Because “to read” interrupts the parallel structure, the sentence is not just wildly self-indulgent but a true grammatical train wreck. When we reach “and to reduce,” we have lost the thread of the structure. We have to backtrack to see what Landon is attempting to say.

At the end of each chapter, he gives the reader a little exercise assignment with which to try out the techniques discussed. Having bludgeoned us with this monstrous knockwurst of a sentence, he invites us at the end of Chapter Four to compose a single sentence (using one or more of the strategies I mentioned above) that incorporates all six of the following underlying propositions:

  1. The boy sat down at the table.
  2. The boy was young.
  3. The boy was out of breath from running.
  4. The boy flopped down into his chair.
  5. The table was made of heavy oak.
  6. The table was covered with steaming dishes of food.

These six elements could, of course, be combined in any of a number of ways — we might write, for instance, “Out of breath from running, the young boy flopped down in his chair at the heavy oak table, which was covered with steaming dishes of food.” — but it’s clear that any sentence we could construct using these elements would be wildly deficient if used in a work of fiction. There is too much information here, and yet not enough. We don’t know where the boy has run from, or why he has arrived at the table immediately after running. We don’t know who has laid out the steaming dishes of food. We don’t know in what sense the chair is “his” chair. We don’t know how young he is; six? nine? fourteen?

We notice at once that “covered by” is imprecise; surely the top of the table was not entirely covered by the dishes. We may also wonder why it’s the dishes that are steaming rather than the food itself, but that’s a trivial detail. “Food” is deplorably vague, and that would be less trivial in a work of fiction. The fact that the table is constructed of heavy oak, on the other hand, would be entirely trivial, and not worth mentioning at all unless this fact were connected in some way to the rest of the furniture in the room, or to the boy’s bone structure (he might be either sturdy or, by way of contrast, as frail as a stick), or perhaps to the overbearing character of the cook, who will insist that the boy eat all of the dishes — or rather, all of the food in the dishes — even though he isn’t hungry, just out of breath.

In sum, to include these six elements and no others in a complex sentence can only give us a dreadful sentence. Should we prize a book that gives us exercises that will have us constructing dreadful sentences? Contrariwise, if we try to construct a valid and interesting fictional scene out of these elements by adding missing details and clarifying what has been left vague, we’re surely going to need more than one sentence.

Oh, well. The book only cost $16, and it reminded me to read some Gertrude Stein.

Long View vs. Wide View

You can buy any number of books on the basic techniques of fiction — and you should. Instruction on how to handle point of view, flashbacks, and dialog tags, on how to develop characters and plot, is readily available, and every aspiring writer needs to master the basics.

What’s in strikingly short supply is instruction on how to write well.

The result is all around us. Thousands of self-published authors are pumping out novels one after another, novels in which these basic mechanical aspects of craft may be handled rather well (or not), but in most cases it’s clear that the author has never aspired to anything higher than being competitive in the hurly-burly of today’s book market. The same could be said of numerous authors whose books stream from the corporate headquarters of the big New York publishers.

Writers and publishers are taking the wide view: How many books can we sell? What genre does this novel fit into, and how shall we make sure it meets the desires of readers who love that genre? The long view gets short shrift. The long view might be characterized as, “Where does my book float on the great river of literature? From what sources does it spring?”

Rather to my surprise, I’ve found a how-to-write book that invites the aspiring author to take the long view. And not just “invites.” This book digs into the nuts and bolts of what makes memorable novels memorable. It’s called Write Like the Masters, and it was written by William Cane.

In 21 chapters, Cane tells us something about the effects achieved by Dickens, Melville, Dostoevsky, Maugham, Faulkner, Hemingway, and others. Surprising inclusions in the list: Edgar Rice Burroughs and Ian Fleming. From this you can fairly conclude that Cane isn’t addressing the rarefied needs of blue-blooded purveyors of capital-L Literature. (There’s no chapter about James Joyce, and thank God for that.) No, this is a book about telling stories, and telling them in masterful ways.

The series of novels I’ve been working on started out with the Young Adult market in mind. YA fantasy is a hot market. But at some point I realized I had outgrown the restrictions of the YA genre. When your story includes 20 different viewpoint characters and a sprawling plot, some YA readers are likely to get restless. So I decided the story would sit more happily in the adult fantasy genre (while perhaps still appealing to more sophisticated or adventurous teens).

After reading Cane’s chapter on how Melville used symbolism, I’m starting to question whether I’m even writing genre fantasy. I’ve now noticed two hugely important symbols in my story. They’ve been there all along; I just never noticed they were symbols. (My unconscious has evidently been hard at work.) I’m now thinking I may need to add bits of dialog or imagery, or even a whole new scene here or there, to tease out the ramifications of these symbols.

Cane has also prodded me to think more deeply about my characters. They are who they are — at this stage of the editing/revision process, that’s not likely to change. But for example (spoiler alert!), when Robner betrays Kyura, I had him doing it because he’s naive and idealistic. It now occurs to me that he may be harboring a resentment and doing it deliberately while kidding himself about his own motivation. I’ll need to edit a certain scene to make his resentment apparent. It will deepen his character. And what about Meery? How does she feel when she discovers just how easily she can kill people? Have I cheated the reader by failing to put her complicated feelings on the page?

The story is drifting away from genre fantasy. I’m in danger of committing literature.

This is not actually an anti-marketing path to take. Writing well may even help my books float up to the surface of the self-publishing swamp. More important, though — I’m basically writing to please myself, not to please some hypothetical reader whose tastes have been botoxed by Hollywood. I enjoy learning new things. Right now I think I’ll probably enjoy learning how to write in a more literary manner.

Literature doesn’t have to be stuffy; Dickens had a sense of humor. Literature doesn’t have to follow the “rules” those other books drill into us, because literature is organic. It’s not cranked out on an assembly line.

I’m less than halfway through Cane’s book. Further revelations will doubtless follow, so don’t touch that dial!

Doin’ It in Style

Dialogue, I’m starting to feel, is one of the less interesting things that can happen in a work of fiction. As I re-edit my novel, I’m finding, first, that it’s rather dialogue-heavy, and second, that I’m getting bored.

If I’m bored, there’s a good chance readers will be too. So I started thinking about ways to make it a more absorbing or scintillating read. I’ve always known that my prose fiction is, let’s say, proficient but workmanlike. Once in a while I happen to toss off a lovely sentence, but I’ve never searched for those sentences. If one occurs to me, fine. If not, I’ll just slog on through the dialogue or whatever. (I do write fairly good dialogue. But still….)

I went down to the local library and borrowed me a stack of literature. I already have a certain amount on my shelves (Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Hemingway), but my collection is very spotty.

Of the things I’ve looked at, Fitzgerald seems consistently closest to what I’d like to aim at stylistically. His stories, not so much; The Great Gatsby is about idle rich people living on Long Island a hundred years ago, and who cares, really? But the prose! Here’s a quick example. Daisy and Gatsby have just found one another after a separation of some years, and Daisy is now getting a tour of Gatsby’s mansion (the “feudal silhouette” below):

With enchanting murmurs Daisy admired this aspect or that of the feudal silhouette against the sky, admired the gardens, the sparkling odor of jonquils and the frothy odor of hawthorn and plum blossoms and the pale gold odor of kiss-me-at-the-gate.

Who else would think to describe odors as sparkling, frothy, or pale gold? That’s Fitzgerald. Kiss-me-at-the-gate is, by the way, a type of honeysuckle. Fitzgerald clearly means the reader to understand this as a not even faintly subtle reference to the re-emergence of the broken romance between Gatsby and Daisy. He’s messing with us, because he can.

Faulkner’s prose is less flowery, but often extraordinary. What scares me about reading Faulkner is that I might start writing in the hillbilly dialect of his characters. I dipped into Virginia Woolf’s The Waves and found it beautiful but impenetrable, like an overgrown hothouse strangled in orchids.

At the library I also picked up Iron Council by China Mieville. I’d hazard a guess that Mieville is trying to show off his mastery of style, but his prose is impacted. It’s as hard to untangle as Woolf’s in The Waves, but because he’s writing plotted fiction, at least nominally, the reader is at a disadvantage. And of course Mieville is not aiming at beauty. Here’s the first paragraph of Iron Council:

In years gone, women and men are cutting a line across the dirtland and dragging history with them. They are still, with fight-shouts setting their mouths. They are in rough and trenches of rock, in forests, in scrub, brick shadows. They are always coming.

What does “dragging history with them” even mean? And the grammar — “rough” is an adjective (unless you’re on the golf course, which doesn’t seem to be the setting here), but “trenches” is a noun, so how can those two words be placed in a parallel construction? No, Mieville doesn’t provide a model for the stylistic mastery I’m hoping to learn.

One thing I’ve quickly learned is that the rules being peddled today to young writers of genre fiction are, to a not inconsiderable extent, twaddle. Consider “head-hopping.” We’re told in no uncertain terms, by any number of authorities, that a given scene should be seen strictly from the point of view of one character. If one feels a need to switch to a different viewpoint character, one must leave a blank line and begin a new scene.

But here’s Somerset Maugham, in a story called “Rain.” The main character in this story is Dr. Macphail, and we see most of it from his point of view. Yet suddenly, in a scene where Macphail and his wife are talking to Mrs. Davidson, a thoroughly obnoxious Christian missionary, we get this:

She [Mrs. Davidson] looked from Macphail to his wife, standing helplessly in different parts of the room, like lost souls, and she pursed her lips. She saw that she must take them in hand. Feckless people like that made her impatient, but her hands itched to put everything in the order which came so naturally to her.

After a paragraph of unbroken dialogue that could be heard from any point of view, suddenly we’re back in Macphail’s POV again. Apparently Maugham never got the memo on head-hopping.

Neither did Virginia Woolf. On page 1 of Mrs. Dalloway, we’re clearly in Clarissa Dalloway’s point of view. We hear her thoughts as she sets out on a walk through London to buy some flowers. But at the top of page 2:

She stiffened a little on the kerb, waiting for Durtnall’s van to pass. A charming woman, Scrope Purvis thought her (knowing her as one does know people who live next door to one in Westminster); a touch of the bird about her, of the jay, blue-green, light, vivacious, though she was over fifty, and grown very white since her illness. There she perched, never seeing him, waiting to cross, very upright.

We’re in Purvis’s head — and then he’s gone. In the next paragraph we’re firmly back in Clarissa Dalloway’s POV. We can infer, if we like, that Purvis is driving the van, although it’s a bit odd that a van driver would be living next door to the Dalloways. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is, Woolf needed to give the reader a view of Mrs. Dalloway from the outside, to establish her character and appearance, so she did what was needed.

Of course, you have to be a fine writer to pull off this kind of effect. The novice is well advised to learn the rules first — and then set them aside.

There’s a Zen story about an apprentice to a famous painter. The apprentice said, “Please, master — tell me how to paint the perfect painting!” The master replied, “Oh, that’s easy. Just become perfect, and then paint naturally.”

Once you know how to write, not perfectly (because nobody writes perfectly) but very well, you can set aside the rules and just write naturally.

Dangerous Boys

During the period when my plan was to release my (still upcoming — doing lots of edits, thanks for asking) fantasy series into the popular but overcrowded Young Adult market, I did a bit of reading in the YA fantasy genre. The one ironclad story element, I found, was that the heroine (girls are the biggest market segment among the readership, so many of the lead characters are girls) simply cannot have a Good Parent. Her parent(s) must be dead, missing, evil, neglectful, or seriously ill. It’s not hard to see why. The YA genre is about young people who are facing adult challenges for the first time. A lead character who had a Good Parent wouldn’t be forced to grapple with those challenges herself. She could go to Mom and get good advice. Also, modern teenagers are often in conflict with their parents. a Good Parent would be seen as the author being insufferably preachy.

But that’s not today’s topic. Today I want to look at the girl heroines’ love interest. This is usually a boy; gay YA is by no means unknown, but for reasons that will become clear in a moment, we’ll stick with the girl-boy pairing.

The boy who is the love interest is usually at least a little dangerous. In vampire fantasy, of course, the boy will be a vampire, which is Very Dangerous. I also picked up one zombie fantasy (and quickly put it down) in which the boy is a zombie. Dead, in other words. No body heat. The word “yucky” doesn’t quite seem to cover the situation, but the book was brought out by a mainstream New York publisher. Go figure.

The reasons for this cliche lie deep in our species’ evolutionary past. To oversimplify only slightly, sperm are plentiful, cheap to produce, and easy to replace. Eggs are a scarce resource. For this reason, the mating priorities of the human male differ somewhat from the mating priorities of the female.

The male is usually quite ready to have at it with a random strange female, because he risks nothing. As the song says, “Slam, bam, thank you, Ma’am.” If a baby is the outcome, maybe it will survive to carry on his genes. If not, there’s no loss. He can try again tomorrow.

The female needs to adopt a different strategy in order to insure the survival of her genes. She’ll be pregnant for months, and then caring for an infant for several years, so she needs a mate who will stick around and provide food — that is, a supportive, nurturing mate. However, she also needs a mate who is strong enough to provide effective protection against lions, tigers, and bears. He needs to be ready to fight. Those two character traits are not very similar. In some men they’re balanced, but in other men the nurturing outweighs the aggressiveness (in which case they’re too weak to defend the woman effectively) or the aggressiveness outweighs the nurturing (in which case the woman runs the risk of being battered).

Given the available talent pool, whatever it is, a woman needs to make the best choice she can of a mate who combines those two traits. The man may attempt to deceive her by appearing more nurturing than he really is, but that’s a topic for another time.

Ideally, then, we would expect a woman to want a man who is fairly reliable (and if possible a good provider) but also slightly dangerous. So it’s no surprise that the love interest of the YA heroine is often stamped out by that cookie-cutter. The guy can’t be too nice.

Right at the moment I’m having ongoing discussions with the editor whom I hired to do a developmental edit on my series. She has provided some very, very useful comments, and I’m making significant revisions to Book 1. But because this particular editor has a background in helping abused women, she’s sensitive to certain issues in a way that many editors, even female editors, may not be.

In Book 2, I wrote a brief passage in which the good wizard, who is recovering from a terrible injury suffered in a battle, is reflecting on how he helped the three heroines in Book 1, or tried to. He is probably in his 50s, though I didn’t nail that down. Here’s his internal monologue: “She [the main heroine] and her friends had relied on him, and he had led them astray. And destroyed his own life in the process. How could he have been such a fool? True, she did have a certain strength of character, and she and her young friends were pleasant to look at. He wondered ruefully if, old bachelor that he was, he had forgotten to use good judgment because he had been thrilled by the thought of helping three attractive almost-grown girls in their mad escapade.”

The editor’s comment when she read this passage was: “This is immensely and horribly creepy, and makes all his behavior in the first book seem self-serving and borderline predatory.”

What? Really? She seems to be saying here that if an older man is influenced by a young woman’s attractiveness, it’s horribly creepy even if he never says or does anything even remotely inappropriate. I don’t see any other way to interpret her comment. And as an older man myself, I resent it.

The editor and I are having ongoing discussions about this. Clearly she overreacted. I hope we’ll be able to work it out. But that’s not why I thought it was worth blogging about. Here’s what I find interesting.

Also in Book 1 my two auxiliary heroines (lead characters 2 and 3, who are also teenage girls) are acquiring boyfriends. Hey, there has to be some romance in the story, right?

Heroine 2, a spoiled (but very beautiful) rich girl who is on the run from an odious arranged marriage, has fallen in with a boy who is a pickpocket and a thief. He has a knife scar on his cheek. Clearly, he’s a street punk. Not, one would think, a suitable life partner for her. Probably not a suitable life partner for any woman!

Heroine 3, meanwhile, is getting warm fuzzy feelings for a boy who seems very nice until he takes off his hat. When he takes off his hat, she finds that he has horns. He’s a half-breed demon. Demons in my fantasy world are just another human-type race, not supernatural, but they’re hyper-aggressive and dangerous. This young man even admits to her that on one occasion when badly provoked, he ripped a couple of men’s arms off. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous!

My editor raised not an eyebrow about either of these pairings. That’s what I thought was interesting. I don’t have the faintest idea what her thought process was. Quite possibly she knows the genre well enough to understand that dangerous boys are a necessity, so why fight it? But when it came to the remote and tenuous possibility that an older man might have lustful or even simply admiring thoughts about a young woman — sound the alarm! Pirates on the starboard quarter!

There are two morals to this story. The first is, don’t be afraid to write about dangerous boys. The second is, your editor is human. Her notes on your work are not carved in stone, nor handed down from Mount Olympus.

And that’s okay. Through discussing the topic with her, I’ve realized I need to make a few adjustments in the conversations that both of the girls have with their new boyfriends. I didn’t think it through, because of course the author knows these boys aren’t going to cause any serious trouble. They’re just sexy because they’re slightly dangerous. But the girls don’t know they’re safe! The girls will be cautious.

Although, now that I think about it, when are teenagers of either sex ever cautious about who they hook up with? It’s been a long time since I was a teenager. I think when I’ve put this series to bed, I’m going to have to write a novel about an old guy. A geezer. Yeah, that sounds about right. But what if he meets a cute young woman? Oh, dear. In that case, I’ll probably need to find a different editor.

Rewriting, Part 3: The House of Cards

There may be several reasons why I’m not a full-time professional novelist, but the main reason is probably because I like a story to actually make sense. When characters do things, I want to understand why they do them, and I want to believe that the things they’re doing are things they would actually do if they were real people and the events in the story were real events.

I know there are best-selling writers who skate blithely past plot questions that would stop me cold. (I tend to set those novels aside without finishing them.) I’m pretty sure it’s also the case that I have a limited and perhaps skewed view of why people do things. My repertoire of available character motivations may not be adequate.

For whatever reason, tonight I found myself trying to understand why my three lead characters (all of them teenage girls) would invade the temple of a particularly nasty religion and blow up the altar. I’ve already written the scenes where they do this, but in rewriting I’ve discovered that their stated reasons for doing it were — well, convenient for the author, who wanted to crank up the excitement, but approximately as flimsy as a house of cards.

The problem has a couple of interlocking facets, and since this is my blog, I’m going to outline them for you whether or not you care.

Alixia has a personal reason to detest this religion. Her father (who is not one of the faithful) set up an arranged marriage for her with one of the high-ranking priests, and she belatedly discovered just how appallingly the worshipers treat their women. She has now escaped from the marriage (maybe, if she’s lucky), but she has two little sisters. She would really like to torpedo the whole religion so as to save her sisters from their father’s evil schemes and also help a lot of other women escape from their oppression.

Okay, that makes sense. I can understand that. But how does she know that destroying the altar will sabotage the nasty religion? It might not have any effect at all. The god who is worshiped at that altar — and in this novel the gods are quite real — might not appreciate what she’s up to. The god might turn her to a cinder or a puddle of slime before she gets within a hundred feet of the altar. Or she might succeed in blowing up the altar but doing so might have no effect on the religion. Neither of those possibilities can be decisively ruled out, other than by a lot of frantic hand-waving on the part of the author.

Not only that, but her friend Kyura has quite a different agenda, in the service of a different god (who is probably good and kind, although possibly inept or not paying much attention). Kyura is the main character in the story; her agenda is the story. Alixia’s problem is a subplot. So why would my main character take a chance on completely failing in her own quest in order to help Alixia do something that, however praiseworthy, is (a) a side issue, (b) quite likely to get them both killed, and (c) not certain to have, even if they succeed, the desired effect?

If I were trying to support a family by cranking out novels, I’m sure I’d come up with some half-baked explanation, which many readers might swallow even though (to mix the metaphor) it had gaps wide enough to drive a truck through. But I have the dubious luxury of writing, in no small part, to please myself. Yes, I want readers to enjoy the story. But the deal-breaker is, first I have to enjoy the story myself. I have to believe in it.

Right now I don’t.

Rewriting, Part 2

The first chapter of a novel has to do several things. It has to introduce the lead character or characters, and in a way that lets us understand who they are — fighters, beggars, accountants, bored housewives, whatever. If there are two or more characters in the opening scene, we need some understanding of their relationship(s). The opening has to establish the setting. And it has to have some action or tension — a hook — that will carry the reader forward.

In tackling the rewrite of my magnum opus, I’m starting, quite naturally, with Chapter 1. The existing draft does all of the above, and in what I hope is a rather graceful way. We meet Kyura, her Uncle Dulan (who owns the inn), and her friend Meery. In the first paragraph Kyura and Uncle Dulan are arguing; that’s a low-key hook, but I think it qualifies.

Sounds great, right? But there’s a big problem. The chapter is structured backwards. Kyura and Dulan are arguing about something that happened in their world an hour before, but that the reader hasn’t yet encountered. And then the chapter backtracks to the inciting event, which is the arrival at the inn of a family of elves. It’s not even a flashback, technically: The chapter just has two scenes in reverse chronological order.

So I try to put them in the natural order — first the elves arrive, and then Kyura and Uncle Dulan argue about it. And that doesn’t work at all! The exposition that I had cleverly worked into the existing draft can’t gracefully be jammed into the scenes when they’re in the “correct,” “natural” order. And yes, there’s a fair amount of exposition. The reader needs to know that Kyura is 17, that Uncle Dulan owns the inn, that her friend Meery works beside her in the inn, that Aunt Timabara is dead, that Kyura has, up to this moment, had very little contact of any kind with elves — stuff like that.

I’m reminded of a concert I attended, many years ago in San Jose. Dan Hicks and the Hot Licks were the headliners. At some point Hicks, who had a notoriously laconic wit, told the audience, “You folks probably think it’s easy, being up here playing and singing. It isn’t.”

The goal of the writer is to make the flow of the story seem easy and natural, but it isn’t. Considerable artifice is involved.

I don’t want to get hung up on Chapter 1, so I think I’ll leave it as is and go on. Either I’ll think of another way of structuring the chapter, or I won’t. Later this year, if all goes well, you’ll have a chance to find out what I finally decided.


All writers, no matter how accomplished, can benefit from hearing a second opinion from a thoughtful reader. For many years, I was the second opinion. My functions at Keyboard included copy-editing, technical editing, and some big-picture critiques as well.

Before my first two novels were published, they were edited. I still haven’t quite forgiven Shelly Shapiro at Del Rey for making me change this sentence: “His people were hers’ enemies.” And no, that apostrophe is not a fleck of grit on your screen. This is a perfectly grammatical sentence that happens to contain an almost unique double possessive.

But all that is prelude. What I’m discovering this week is how useful — and how challenging — it can be to have a novel scrutinized by a developmental (big-picture) editor whose role is purely advisory. She can’t require me to change anything: I still get the final call. But boy, am I going to have to roll up my sleeves and do some more work! My Scrivener file now has dozens of embedded notes [in boldface, in brackets] that I’ll be hacking my way through. Some will require moving chunks of text from one chapter to another and then smoothing over the seams. Some scenes will need to be rewritten.

I thought I was done with this book. (Actually, it’s a four-volume series that tells one long continuous story. Whether I call it one novel or four depends mostly on what mood I’m in.) After I went through the whole thing last fall, tidying it up, I said to myself, “Okay, that’s it. No more edits.” But then I started wondering: Would I benefit from hiring an editor?

We all prefer to think, “Oh, my creative work is just wonderful as is! An editor will just tell me, ‘Tweak a couple of adverbs and delete a couple of commas and it will be a best seller!'” But that’s pure delusion. It’s the ego grinding its gears, nothing more.

I scouted around online — carefully, because editing isn’t cheap — and found someone that I was fairly confident would do a decent job. And indeed, I’m not disappointed. Now that I have her notes on Book I of the series, it’s clear that I made some mistakes and missed some opportunities. It’s going to be money well spent, and I have some serious work to do.

That’s not to say that I agree with all of her comments.”Pare this scene down to what is really essential”? Maybe not. Maybe I like it just the way it is. But even in cases like that, her comments lead me to examine the scene more closely. What do I feel is essential, or engaging, or beautiful about this scene? If the editor thinks it’s boring, why does she think that?

When The Wall at the Edge of the World was being edited in 1991, the editor (and I’m chagrined to have to admit that I’ve forgotten her name) said, “The psychic/dream sequence at the end drags on too long. I think you should tighten it up.” I re-read it and said to her, “No, I think it’s too short.” She was getting bored because I hadn’t focused well enough on what was important. I strengthened it, adding a thousand words or so, and she liked what I did, and that’s how it was published.

The point being, an editor’s gut response may be on the money, even if her suggestion isn’t. She may sense a problem, but it’s still my job to understand what problem she’s sensing.

Back in the present tense, one plot point was simply too huge a coincidence for my editor to swallow. So I’ve written an entirely new chapter with a newly devised explanation of how Spindler (who among his other accomplishments is a burglar) happens to climb in that particular window at that particular moment.

At several points the editor suggested that I needed to delve deeper into my characters’ emotions. And she was right. I’m not an emotional person, so I sometimes just write about what happened and forget to mention how the characters felt about it. (I think Hemingway did that sometimes too, but I’m not Hemingway.)

A central point of her critique, which I’m still digesting, was that my lead character “lacks agency.” This is a slightly technical way of saying that too often events happen to the lead character rather than the character taking action to move the plot forward. To take action, to be an agent, a character needs a clear motivation — a keen desire. My lead character’s motivation tends to flicker and flop around. She dithers.

That’s bad, right? But here’s the tricky bit: The lead character is a 17-year-old girl. She works in her uncle’s inn, where she waits tables, changes the sheets, and mops the floor. She has not the faintest idea that she’s anybody important. Yet suddenly she’s confronted with the fact that a god, no less, expects her to rush off and defeat the forces of evil. Plus, she’s not Joan of Arc, okay? She has no army. And the god seems not to have noticed or to care about that detail. Having discovered that she’s the Chosen One, she’s left in the lurch by this lackadaisical deity.

Should this character have a clear motivation? Should she take decisive action? Should she roll up her sleeves and say, “Yes, by golly, I’m going to take charge! I’ll smite the forces of evil!” Or should she maybe keep changing her mind, suffer feelings of confusion and inadequacy, and try to avoid making a commitment?

Plotted fiction works best when the lead character tackles her challenges head-on. Or so we’re assured by those who teach creative writing. And indeed, I already have a couple of ideas about how to get my lead character to be more active. But I don’t want to over-simplify her character. I don’t want to turn her into a little tin caricature. Hey, Hamlet dithered. Maybe dithering is not such a bad thing.

If I hadn’t chosen to hire an editor, I never would have realized this was a topic I needed to explore. Whatever choice I end up making, the book will be stronger — a lot stronger. Or at least, I flatter myself that it will be.