Missed Connections

Having concluded, however reluctantly, that I’m Not A Total Genius ™, I’m looking into hiring a freelance editor to do a developmental pass on my four-volume fantasy epic. One wants an editor with relevant experience. One expects to pay good money for the service.

The Editorial Freelancers Association has a nice search engine with which you can find members who specialize in developmental editing of fiction. The output is in random order, so members whose names begin with ‘A’ are not given preferential exposure.

Today I’m weeding through the list. I’ve queried a couple of editors, but that’s not what I wanted to mention. Along the way I took a look at an editor named Kelley Frodel, who provides a couple of excerpts to show off her editing chops. If you scroll down past the copy-edit example, you’ll find a “heavy line edit with substantive feedback.” This is the opening passage of a self-published fantasy novel.

Here’s why I won’t be querying Kelley Frodel: She missed the big picture.

In this action opening, the protagonist, Nickolas, is flying (with wings) across the midnight sky. Okay, that’s a lovely opening dramatic hook — no problem. But that’s just the first sentence in the first paragraph. During the remainder of the paragraph, rather than giving us a clear picture of what it’s like to fly across the midnight sky, the author introduces no less than six items of information, all of them apparently related to the end scene of the previous volume of the saga. Six items of information — six, count ’em, six — while the hero is flying across the sky, and only two mentions of wings, one mention of moonlight, and one mention of cold air. No mention of clouds or stars, no mention of the land below, no mention of straining muscles. (I’m assuming the wings are attached to his arms, though that’s not mentioned either.) The trend continues in the next couple of paragraphs.

Here’s Frodel’s comment in the margin: “In order to reorient the reader into [sic] the story, adding some extra details about people and places, reacquainting them [sic] in the reader’s mind, could help them to remember the first book better and make the transition into the second book smoother. So sprinkling brief descriptions like this throughout the opening chapter will help remind the reader what just happened in the last book.”

To which my response is, “No, no, no, no, no! Do not do this!”

Amateur writers are often instructed that the dreaded “info-dump” is a Bad Thing. In order to avoid writing a paragraph or two of exposition in order to give the reader the big picture, they will labor to shoehorn the important bits into the middle of an action sequence. This, however, is a mistake. What it does is, it destroys the immediacy and concrete impact of the action, while simultaneously forcing the reader to keep track of two things at once — the present action and also a variety of other stuff. And of necessity, the other stuff is not organized in a coherent way; it’s just jammed in.

I have seen this problem over and over again, in one form or another, in self-published novels. And here we have a self-styled (and presumably paid) professional editor advising her client to do more of it.

God bless the info-dump. What the world of fiction needs are MORE info-dumps. Put all of the relevant information into a single paragraph or a sequence of paragraphs. Articulate the points of connection among the items of information — don’t just blast them at us higgledy-piggledy. And above all, get the information out of the action scene! Put it after the action scene (if the action scene is your novel opener) or before the action scene. But do not mix meat and milk on the same dish, damn it.

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