Revelation du jour

There is a God. And God does respond to prayers.

God is a giant armadillo named Murgatroyd. And by “giant” I do mean giant. Murgatroyd is about 75 feet from stem to stern, not including His tail. He lives in an air-conditioned barn near Peoria, Illinois, and seldom leaves, except once a year, when he hovers over the Superbowl like an invisible blimp. But He is able to respond to prayers without leaving the comfort of his barn, so His reclusiveness is not an issue.

However, you may want to know that Murgatroyd speaks (and understands) only Latvian. Prayers in Latvian will be answered promptly (“promptly” meaning, sometime within the next five or ten thousand years). Prayers not in Latvian will not attract Murgatroyd’s attention.

But there’s some good news. Murgatroyd’s only begotten daughter, Betty, is bilingual in Latvian and English. You can pray to Betty, and she will cheerfully pass your requests on to Murgatroyd. Murgatroyd is not really too fond of Betty, so the results of her intercession cannot be guaranteed — but for most worshipers, praying to Betty will be easier than learning Latvian.

Betty is quite hard of hearing, unfortunately. Shouting loudly to her is recommended. And doing this outdoors will be most efficacious, as Betty is claustrophobic. She seldom ventures indoors.

Betty is very fond of yellow rubber rain boots. (Vinyl boots are acceptable.) If you stand in the street wearing yellow rubber rain boots and shout loudly to Betty, your prayers to Murgatroyd will have the best possible chance of being granted. Either that, or you could learn Latvian.

There has been a schism, regrettably, within the Church of Murgatroyd & His Divine Daughter Betty. The M&Mites hold that Betty is favorably impressed by an offering of burning M&Ms, whose smoke She inhales. Now, you may think it would be difficult to burn a bowl of M&Ms, but you’ll find that dousing them with gasoline or lighter fluid works very well.

The M&Mites are opposed by the Anti-Scissorites, who hold that touching or owning scissors, or even witnessing the use of scissors by a heretic, will infallibly incur the wrath of Betty. The wrath of Betty is not a pleasant prospect. It involves being forced to listen to the entire song catalog of the Eagles, played on a ukulele by a drunken auto mechanic.

On the whole, avoiding scissors seems like a very good idea. Either that, or you could always learn Latvian.

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5 Responses to Revelation du jour

  1. ParanoiaSnail says:

    This was amusing.

  2. Silas Lang says:

    You seem to like to mock god or to parody his actions and purpose, but if there is no god what would be the point of rules , Life would be hopeless and pointless if there wasn’t a creator or a purpose to why we are here, And if there is no god what would stop people from committing evil crimes and just being a overall asshole.

    • midiguru says:

      Your point of view can be demolished quite easily, Silas. Here’s the most important point that you may want to meditate on (or pray about, if you prefer): What you’re saying amounts to this: If YOU didn’t believe in God, YOU would be out there committing crimes and being an asshole — because your belief in God is the only thing that is holding you back!

      I, on the other hand, know personally a number of atheists who are law-abiding citizens and all-around nice people. (Whether I’m a nice person is not for me to say, but I’m certainly law-abiding.) So your bizarre generalization clearly does not apply to atheists. Yet you feel convinced by it. One can only conclude that it DOES apply to you.

      With respect to your larger point … technically, you’re correct. Life IS hopeless and pointless, if one takes the largest possible view of it all. However, we as individuals can and do find wonderful reasons for living, and we find reasons to have hope for the future (in the short term, anyhow). One doesn’t have to believe in God to enjoy a Beethoven symphony, a beautiful sunset, or the victory of one’s favorite sports team. God has nothing to do with ANY of that — which is not surprising, since as far as anybody has been able to determine, there is no invisible entity whose characteristics correspond to what most people mean by the word “God.” There is no evidence whatever for the existence of any such invisible entity. Not a shred. The Bible? That’s just a bunch of legends written down by ignorant and superstitious people. It’s not evidence of anything other than the ability to write stuff down.

      I realize that you will find reasons to reject what I’m saying. But that’s your problem, Silas. I’m an atheist, and I’m having a good day today (while obeying the law and paying my bills, I might add).

  3. Mike Zimmerman says:

    Wow. What comments! First a response to Silas. I think we are all in trouble if the slender thread of behaving yourself in society relies on faith. You stop believing, and, poof, you’re robbing and killing. Three things: 1) I have never heard any wrong-doer state that (s)he didn’t believe in God and therefore felt no remorse at all about breaking rules; 2) I was a believer, went to three years of religious study, recited memorized verses from the Bible in front of the Congregation, and planned on being in the clergy. I obeyed the law not because I was a believer, but because the laws made sense and followed the Constitution. As an atheist today, I obey the laws for the same reason. 3) Finally, as a point for your side, it really comes down to you feeling comfortable within your in skin (and I in mine). You sound like you must have God in your life, by your side, and in your heart. God needs to be a part of your, and you (might) want to show others how great it can be. I get it. But if you go around arguing to get God into others’ lives, then you are being argumentative, not Godly. mz

  4. Silas Lang says:

    I never said atheist’s couldn’t be law abiding citizens probably more so cause most christians nowadays have a warped viewpoint on the current state of christianity , I don’t agree with at least 65% of christianity because its either doesn’t practice what it preaches or people will pick the parts that fit their lifestyle . People like Benny Hinn and Pat Robertson aren’t christian’s they are thieves and conmen that pray on the weak and vulnerable out to sell their latest book or snake oil cure. You don’t have to go to church or be blessed by a priest to get into heaven you are saved by grace alone . I am glad you are having a good day good days are good I hope there will be many more for you, but that’s my point life is very short and it will be over before you know it you can only have so many good days out of bad days before and end comes. The Laws in this earth are definitely not fair , ten out of ten times the guy who raped and murdered your daughter will get more freedom and justice then she will ever get most often then not he will get to enjoy life 3 square meals maybe even some narcotics in prison to help the scumbag to blot out his memory, he might even become a christian to troll the victims familie(s) and to top it all off he will get a 5-15 second painless death by injection. There has to be a proper law and a afterlife or a continuation of this life for the good and law abiding. When I look at my beautiful cat I realize there might be others who look like her but there will only be her character and actions that make her unique something had to design this creature this couldn’t have happened by accident. Listening to Beethoven is good although I find myself listening to Frank Zappa, Graham Bond Organization, Pink Floyd, or Soft Machine and or if classical Varese, Bach or Pendrecki The musicians personal beliefs don’t have to correlate to mine .

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